News Flash: Spider Monkey Terrifying Residents near San Antonio

There is a spider monkey on the loose near San Antonio named W.C. Fields.   After a storm damaged his cage at a primate reservation, he has been roaming the hills and neighborhoods of Leon Springs, terrorizing citizens with demands of bananas and beer.  I’m not making this up.  Why on earth would I?

Leon Spring is where we have some family property, so I hope Mr. WC Fields hasn’t broken into our house and drunk up all the beer.  I’m assuming he’s been demanding beer because, after all, his owners named him WC Fields for a reason, and the original Fields was a notorious drunk.  I know this because I had an excellent Liberal Arts classical public school education.  But the average Joe,  I fear, does not, and WC Field's grunts and flailing arms are being grossly misinterpreted as aggressive attacks.

He cornered one lady in her garage and kept her there terrified for an hour, demanding beer.  The woman, apparently not aware of the significance of the WC Fields allusion, remained ignorant of his wishes and was reduced to cowering in a corner in tears, totally misinterpreting the fact that he was just asking for a light .... a Bud Light that is.  I give the monkey credit:  He was smart enough to know that most Texans keep their beer in dedicated refrigerators in their garages.  WC Fields grunted and flapped his long arms up and down as he's prone to do, and in exasperation (he's thinking, "they named me WC Fields for Christ's sake, isn't it obvious what I want!"), finally left frustrated and unsatisfied.  The woman inexplicably told the local press that she may sell her house due to this affront.  That's her choice, although the chances of being attacked by another alcoholic spider monkey in her lifetime seem somewhat remote regardless of where she lives.  Another man, an octogenarian, fed the monkey watermelon in his driveway until it got agitated and ran off.  Note to residents of Leon Springs:  The monkey doesn't want freaking fruit, he wants BEER.  Can you blame him for being agitated?  Please, just give the damn thing what he wants before he hurts somebody or, worse (from WC Fields' point of view), gets put back into captivity.

At my local watering hole in Leon Springs, the Scenic Loop Café, the owner has told employees not to serve the monkey food or alcohol, according to the San Antonio Express-News, a venerable city organ that has had the foresight to dedicate a reporter to this important story.   I happen to be friends with the owner of the Cafe, Christy, and you can be sure I'll berate her next time I see her on this intolerant policy.   “Don’t serve monkeys, eh Christy?  What’s next, turning away German beer writers too?  Slippery slopes, my dear.  The poor monkey obviously just wants a nice cold pint of Blue Moon before he's stuffed back into a cage to live an abstemiously sober life with the occasional slightly fermented banana (in other words, a horrible life).  I’ll pay his tab if he’s not carrying greenbacks.”  The shame.  I plan on boycotting the Loop in protest …. until I’m back in Leon Springs and need a drink.  My principles only go so far.

Remember the Shawshank Redemption, when Tim Robbins arranges for his fellow prisoners to have just one cold beer before being locked up in prison again?   I am of the belief that this is what our thirsty primate-on-the-lam is after.  I almost wish I weren’t at the Great American Beer Festival in Denver right now, or else I’d be combing the hills of Leon Springs, a bottle of Stella Artois in one hand and a chain in the other, to share a cold one with WC Fields ..... right before stuffing him in my trunk and collecting the reward.

(Thanks to my friend Kyle who has been keeping me abreast of this important news story while I'm travelling.  -HCS)