Tomorrow I am to appear on a local AM
radio show in Annapolis, Maryland, broadcast to the Washington DC area. They are interviewing me on a show that features “
successful entrepreneurs, how they did it”. I had met the producer of the show at a prestigious publisher’s conference about a year ago in New York where I gave a speech, and he apparently thought I’d be an interesting guest.
You may be asking how in the world I was asked to speak in the first place at a prestigious publisher’s conference last year. Let me back up to give you a perspective that has some reality attached to it. This conference had speakers who really do publish the top notch online publications: WSJ.com, DowJones.com, Hoovers.com, Time.com, People.com, Playboy.com, ESPN.com, etc.
I was the token “small B2B niche publisher.”
At the time, I thought, hell, it’s still really cool to be asked to share a podium with these publishing heavyweights, even if I’m the token “small niche publisher”. Later I found out that the original “small niche publisher” they had lined up had backed out at the last minute and they needed to find a replacement pronto. So they thought, what would be an interesting niche? The pizza delivery man, who happened to be in the room, yelled out “beer!”, as pizza deliverymen often do when asked any generic question, so they Googled “beer publications” and found my web site and that’s how I got asked. No kidding. Fate is a good thing, sometimes. Or Google is a good thing. Fate and Google, I find, often amount to the same thing.
So I gave a decent speech, made some jokes, met some big online publishing and broadcasting honchos, one of which hosts a radio show on “success” in Maryland, and so consequently I am now to wax brilliant on the secrets of success to the poor unwitting citizens of Annapolis, where they have the elite West Point Academy, the height of discipline in the U.S. armed forces.
[
UPDATE: Actually, an alum of West Point sent me a cordial email informing me that West Point is actually located in New York, while the U.S. Naval Academy is in Annapolis. This man, now an officer in the Army, sent an email that was kind and gentlemanly, but I could tell that behind the scenes he may have been slightly insulted at being confused with the webbed feet salty dogs at the Naval Academy. My apologies for the confusion, although I honor both the Naval Academy and West Point equally, I stress to note].
I’m actually nervous that some Naval Academy (
not West Point) cadet will hear my honest answers to the prepared questions clearly geared toward classic self-improvement doctrines, straight out of “
The 7 Habits…” and “
Think and Grow Rich”, and fall into despair:
Q: So, Harry, do you view ‘success’ as a noun or a verb, a journey or destination?
A: Well, it’s currently very much a verb, unfortunately, but I very much would wish it to be a noun. If
Marvin Shanken suddenly appears on my doorstep with a check for $20 million to buy me out, I am so out of here and tanning my noun on a corral beach in the Keys.
Q: Did your family support your move to entrepreneurship?
A: Actually, no. We were constantly short of cash and my wife and children complained incessantly about it. Apparently they’re too good for Campos Pinto Beans with Schuhmacher secret sauce……five days a week. Today we are doing better (we now eat Bush’s Baked Beans…..with
Schuhmacher secret sauce) but they still complain that I travel too much. Do you call that support……or attempted career sabotage? I thought so.
Q: Tell our listeners how the epiphany occurred? When did the proverbial light bulb go off in your head to create your first publication on beer?
A: I was sitting on the toilet reading the competition, and I thought, ‘Dang, he’s good. I’ll never be able as good as him.’ But I started it anyway, because I had no other options at the time, and struggled through five years of not beating him. Today, I still haven’t beaten him. I’ve now grown very accustomed to being a loser……”
Q: Uh, yeah, but doesn’t your competition drive you to higher spheres of excellence?
A: Not exactly. I find that when my competitors experience victories over me I break out the aluminum foil for my windows and curl up in the fetal position on my bed sucking my thumb, sometimes for days on end........or I fly to Las Vegas and blow thousands on gambling and whiskey…..just kidding, I blow it on gambling and beer of course……..
You get the picture. A show like that may push some poor homesick young aspiring Admiral to quit the academy and take a job as a postal worker, and we all know where that leads.
So I will endeavor to remain upbeat and, how do they say in Maryland? Chipper. Yes, I will be chipper, and I will give a rabble rouser that will elevate even the most lugubrious sailor to his feet:
“
Yes, success is a verb, Mark, and I’ll never quit, EVER, because money is so transient and unimportant to me. You know how I keep it real, Mike? Here in my heart? [pound chest gently with fist]. Yessir, for this hombre it’s the challenge of climbing an impossibly high and freezing mountain that gets my juices a’flowin’. And when Debbie Downers say, ‘Hey, you can’t climb that mountain Harry, you’re really out of shape and have asthma and short legs and no athletic ability’, I reply, boldly, chin up: ‘Sir, I can and I WILL climb that mountain, simply because it’s there, even if it kills me from an asthma attack and I leave my children fatherless and my wife penniless’. And speaking of, I just want to take this moment to thank my wife and three sons [shake and bake] for always being there for me when I needed them, and never asking for a dime when times were rough, and always eating beans and tortillas five days a week without nary a complaint. I love you, my little gassy bears. And now that I’ve reached the apex of my career, I want to especially thank my worthy competition for constantly driving me to perform at a higher level of excellence. Without you, I wouldn’t have had the confidence to attempt to climb that mountain and die of hypothermia. God bless America and a shout-out to my home-boy, Alan Greenspan, for keeping interest rates so low and for whoever invented the high def flat-screen LCD TV……Peace out.”